Dear Blog..

I am so glad that despite it is 6am now in the morning and when i cant sleep at all.
you are here. here to iisten to me.

Sometimes, i just think that it is so hard to find someone to talk to about your life.
Everyone has their own problems.
Everyone has their own life to lead.


What are my emotions now?


Actually, i dont really know.
What are emotions to me anyway?


I dont think alcohol helps anymore.
Alcohol doesnt make me open up anymore.
Alcohol doesnt make me say the truth anymore.
Alcohol doesnt make me admit the reality anymore.
Alcohol doesnt help. no more.


What makes me happy?
What makes me smile?
What makes meishan meishan?


When was the last time i really laugh?
When was the last time i was truly happy?
When was the last time i could define happiness?


Perhaps it is only when i am left alone in this world.
When i am away from this city.
When i am all away from this place.
When i can hug the kids on the streets.
When i can give my love to the kids at the countryside.
When the kids truly hold my hands, look into my eyes and tell me that i am beautiful.


I forgot how to feel.
I forgot how to cry.
I forgot how to love.
I forgot how to be loved.


A heart so immune now.
A heart so numb.
A heart that forget how to feel.
A heart so lost.
A heart without any emotional heartbeats.


I know i have to find the key to that lock someday, somehow.
But, i am rally tired.
But, i am really helpless.

Call me weak.
Call me coward.
Call me useless.


But i really too tired.
Some people say i have only experienced just 2 relationships.
Which is definitely not enough to justify this kind of extreme disappointment i am feeling now.


But they are wrong. all wrong.
Because they are not meishan.
They will never understand meishan.


i am a girl.
A girl with emotional barriers greater than Great Wall of China.
I dont fall in love easily.
I dont allow my emotions to be shown too easily.


But once i am in love, i lose myself.
I lost that emotional barriers.
Those barriers which are greater than Great Wall of China.
They are lost.
They failed to protect me.
Thus, i am so vulnerable because i lose my defence.


Like i always said.
You dont have to own a gun or knife to kill me.
You can just kill me.
By making me fall in love with you.


But, that doesnt work anymore.
Cuz for now,
This heart seems to be so dead.



谁会爱我，守护我，疼我，在乎我，抱紧我一辈子呢？